Are we really happy with who we are right now?

16/06/2008

This has been the most awkwad and tough few days I have ever had to push through.

I seriously dont know what to do with myself. I am close to certain this is my last tour with my band, though I really wonder that if it isnt, then what is the point anyways. Everyone I talk to about this whole thing tells me that its not worth worrying over. That the band is a joke, that this is a waste of time.

Well if thats how they really feel, or if they are trying to lift my spirits, I dont know. But if the thing I’ve cared so much for this past 2 years is such a joke. Maybe its time to just grow up.

Move onto something, maybe where I’ll be more valued, maybe something where after I pour my life, time, and money, something no one will jump at the oppunity to take it from me. I dont even care that I wont get to see a cent back from any of this, I care that I feel like my mother and I have been taken advantage of to no end, only to see me tossed aside when not needed anymore.

Add on the fact that Jonny now thinks he can copywright our band name and take it from us.

The things I would do to see him dissappear.

I am just looking forward to seeing what might actually happen with Marc and Jordan when I get home. I really want to make music with them. But a big part of me is pretty certain that nothing will happen, or I wont be good enough to do what I want.

Maybe I should just work, pay off all the debt I’ve gone into and grow up, be a big boy, move on.

A massive part of me questions if I’m ready to do that.

Most of me knows losing this will kill me.

I know its pathetic, but its all I have. I know its sad, trust me, I know its sad.

I know people dont understand, I know that even I dont understand why I am holding onto this “dream” after so many people have laughed at it, told me how much of a waste it is. This is ruining my life, but when I think about it, this IS my life. So when its gone, What then?

This is sitting heavy on my head and heart at all times. Anytime I try to ask about it, I get “We will talk about it tonight”

We dont talk, we never talk. I feel like everyone is against me, and they just wont tell me because they are worried I’ll leave.

June 23rd, I’m certain is the day where I’m told I’m out.

and I am left with nothing.

So lets get stoked for that.

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