as you fall for every empty word I say

12/06/2008

I’m now in Buffalo, NY area at Big Dons house.

Its so weird to be so close to home, but not even be able to trek home for the night because of a stupid border. To know I am like at most 2 hours from my mom, its a weird feeling, but at least I know I only have like 10 days left of tour, and will be home soon after that.

My head is still in shambles and I wish I could just get my thoughts on track, clear my head, not have everything be so jumbled. But I guess thats how its supposed to be for me…

Paul left this morning. In the middle of the night, the fill in drummer for my band waited until everyone went to sleep, went for a walk down the block, and left.

We woke up and he was gone. For the second time, Paul Ciancone has fucked my band over.

I don’t blame him. I mean considering in the last 2 weeks we have been at each others throats, making fun of each other, telling each other how much everyone else hates them. I don’t blame him for leavin, but to clarify, I do think it was childish, and totally tactless.

The best part was recieving an text message randomly that said “Don’t be too mad. They’re kicking you out after this tour anyways.”
I will admit, it through me into a stir. I got worried, I forwarded the message to Greg, no reply for awhile. I message Seb about it and the only thing I receive in return is, “We will talk about it tonight.”

I have half a mind to just take the “Paul” way out and leave, especially since they are already on their way to Oswego, and I’m still here in Buffalo. If I were spineless, I would say fuck it, I would move on with my life and I would be on my way home right now.

Im sticking it through, ’till the end.

As much as I hope this doesn’t sound terrible, I honestly think the lifespan of this band would be cut to mere months after I were to stop dealing with it, finding replacement members, finding places to stay on tour, fronting money. I’m nothing special, but I do A LOT for this band. Sometimes I wonder why I bother, why I put up with anything, but whatever.

This is pointless venting to keep me from getting to Oswego and losing my mind.

The only thing I have been listening to this week are the three Brand New cds.
Its the only band I have the urge to even listen to. Its concerning me. I relate to too many lyrics, I apply too much of it to my life, and the thoughts in my head. I shouldn’t. I should stop.

I took a shower today, it felt nice, haha, being on tour so long, you really forget when the last time you did seemingly important things like that. The day of the week is replaced with the city you are in:

“whats today?”
“Oswego”
“Tulsa”
“Jacksonville”
“Wichita Falls”

And so forth.

I beg someone to do this and not say it drives them at least a little nuts.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

carissarose. July 23, 2008 at 2:21 am

I like reading what you have to write. You and I have a lot in common.. Getting kicked to the curb time and again after putting a shitton of work into something..

If you ever need to talk, I’m here. FL is pretty freakin’ far, but you know what I mean 😉

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