relapse.

18/05/2009

The new Eminem CD is pretty disappointing so far. Will I ever come to terms with the fact that his Rap was 10 thousand times better when he would write songs without cheesy hooks and poo poo humour but it is never coming back? There is really one song that is actually good in my opinion. Though, I haven’t listened to the whole thing yet, so I’ll wait till I have before making assumptions about the rest of it.

The title of the record is a pretty good representation of the place I am in my life right now, Relapse.

I’ve come to the place that I come to once every few months, a place of relapse. Where I look back and wish I had what I used to, who I used to, things that I thought made me happy back then.

Did I only think I was happy? Or were the things I look back on now and regret (to an extent) things that actually made me happy?

Pouring my life into a band that I felt under-appreciated in, sleeping with girls I barely knew, not thinking about the future, never looking in the past, putting myself first, not caring for anyone or anything. Are all these things the things that really made me feel like I belong?

When I had the band, and the [disillusioned image of] fame, I was happy. I didn’t have much money. I didn’t have many [real] friends. I didn’t have much to offer and I knew it. But I thought I was happy.

But if that wasn’t real happiness, what is? Is it being in a healthy relationship with someone who really cares about you?

Tried that, I gave it an honest shot at the closest thing I was able to achieve for me in that scenario. Surprise, I reverted back to my old ways and pushed someone away.

Is it having money? I make more money then I can actually spend at my job. I am still not happy.

I’m getting the biggest pit in my stomach just knowing that I am going to spend the rest of my life trying to get something I had back that I’ll never have. Which has a chain reaction and I just think about all of the other things I have wanted in my life that I never will.

Its a snowball effect from hell.

Im a depressed boy, and I wish I could just shut it off like every other feeling I have.

Sometimes I wish I could feel like a normal person. Take that phrase as me just looking for attention if you want.

I don’t care anymore.

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