I can’t explain the way I feel these days.
It’s like, I want to be alone, but I hate being in this empty apartment. I hate everyone, and everything. But at the same time, I don’t.
I have been deleting so many people from my “life”, if you want to call it that. My internet life, because the reality is that outside of that, the only thing I do is work. Anyone who knows me in real life can tell how detached I am. Its like I’m losing my hook, yet I see things clearer than ever.
I am such a contradiction.
It’s 11:00 and I am in bed, typing this. I have no reason to stay up. I have no reason to play guitar, I have no reason to watch TV. I have no reason or drive to do anything. I have so few friends, even on the internet now. I am toiling in a waking life and everyday I wonder more and more when I will have the guts to get medicated.
Is that really the answer though? It’s a step I have never taken, and am really skeptical as to whether or not I will do it. If it’s right, if its wrong, I am starting to not care anymore.
I don’t even know what I am typing. I just need a reason, a purpose. ANYTHING, other than just being alive. Something more than nothing. And for once I would like to not dance between wanting someone and not.
I stopped typing this, as a torrent I was downloading finished. I lost my train of thought.
Either way, If you are reading this, and was friends with me on FB or Twitter…
Go check, cause you probably aren’t now. Ask me if you want, I might have a reason.
I might not reply. So don’t be surprised.