What the hell is he talking about?

27/11/2009

I struggle to find the words to say, or even the point to make. I am not a writer, hell, I am not really even a Blogger. I have been trying to find things to write more outside perspective writing on, and I have yet to find a single thing.

I am always in a constant struggle with myself, a struggle to keep balance. I fear that while writing this I will get too melodramatic, but I will continue.

Its never been easy for me to maintain an acceptable state of mind. My emotions are always jumping back and forth. I am a veritable time bomb waiting to go off. The smallest things will send me into a rage. Things that wouldn’t offend a normal person depress me to no end.

But on the other end of things, if someone is intentionally trying with all their might to make me angry, or to make me feel worthless, they cannot. Words thrown to hurt me do nothing. I have been called all the names I can rightfully imagine. One really stands out, I’ve been called it many times, in one variant or another. Something along the lines of:

“You are insane.”

I have been called that exact phrase by so many people, I have actually lost count. Usually I just chock it up to a girl getting in too deep and listening to the signals they think I am giving, rather than the words I actually tell them. It has to get to a point where it isn’t them just being confused though. Maybe its actually me.

I mean, its not like I care, but maybe the truth lies in the fact that I am usually pretty disinterested in people until I find out they like me. I am too lazy, and too fearful of rejection to usually do anything. I am a shy and timid person, more so than I would like to be, or lead on to be. The girls I seem to attract generally like that, I suppose its mysterious.

I make the mistake of letting them think they are in, by telling them things that normal people wouldn’t tell complete strangers. Things about my childhood, my sisters death, my father. Things that people generally keep to themselves. The thing is, I don’t care.

Let me rephrase, I don’t care about telling people. Its not a big deal to me. Its a part of life I had to live through, and I’m here now, so why does it matter? Its supposed to be “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, right?

Every girl thinks they can be the one to save me, be the girl to make me feel. I feel, I’m human, but I never feel in the ways people want.

So now ladies, here is the secret, a tactic I have, and use to trick you into falling for me.
You think it’ll change a thing? Not a chance.

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: