I’d be a liar if I said that I didn’t miss the past. I would be kidding myself to say that I don’t sometimes I wish I could have it back. Despite the fact that it was a complete mess. As messed as it was in public, it was 20 times worse behind it. Constantly speaking ill of each other behind our backs, bending and breaking the rules we tried to enforce on each other. It was a bloody mess. The positives hardly outweighed the negatives and it was just a vessel which promoted all of the wrong ways to act.
Above that all though, I still find myself missing it. I can’t even tell if it is the specifics I miss, or just the general feeling. Now, even the worst parts of it seem enticing. Loading out, selling merch, sleeping on concrete floors, all of these seem more enjoyable then the existence I have now. It almost feels like a soldier sent to war. After years of doing it and finally getting to come home, they can’t adjust and live a regular life because they are so used to doing something else.
I’ve made so many bad choices in my life, and even though so much bad came from it, I don’t think that was one of them. But now I am left to try and pick up the pieces and salvage a normal life? It’s almost been 2 years, and I still get like this. Will I ever adjust, or just move past it? I don’t think I will.
I blame, I’m a blamer. I blame everything that I am incapable on other people, other things. I point fingers at people as the reason for my not being able to settle down and just be with someone. The fact is that nothing in this world makes me feel the same way that all did. I hold it all on such a high pedestal, no one will ever be able to compare.
It’s sort of pathetic. Well, not sort of, it is.
And so it stands, tomorrow I will ring in the New Year just as I did last year; hoping for more, knowing this is all I deserve.