It’s on, Janes, it’s on

07/12/2009

I have had an issue with a well known chicken finger company for 2 meals now. Perhaps they caught me at a wrong time, I decided to let them know what was on my mind. This is not normal for me, and in either account, I copied the email as it was at the time of sending, most likely with grammatical and spelling errors. Here is what it says:

Hello makers of Janes Family Food Products,

I am writing you today about an issue which I hold very dear to my heart. That issue is none other than the subject of this message. This past Sunday afternoon, I purchased a 907g box of your “Janes Chicken Breast Fillets, uncooked, breaded, seasoned with a minimum meat protein of 18%”. I have purchased these in my past and been quite delighted with the result. The low cooking time and 0 trans fat of this item appeals to both my fast paced lifestyle, and my one which strives for better health.

Upon paying for my chicken strips (along with other groceries) at my local Metro Food Market, I turned my oven to the instructed 425 degree’s centigrade. I waited, patiently, to be able to cook and serve them to my guest along with myself. Once the oven was heated, the food took almost no time to cook ( obviously this is an exaggeration, as we both know that it took the 25 minutes as described on the box). I served up the crisp looking and savoury smelling strips and sat down to watch a movie which had been chosen while waiting to eat.

The first 2 or so of the 10 strips I had prepared were as delectable as I had imagined, but like any hurricane, that was merely the calm before the storm. As I bit enthusiastically into a strip, I felt something of a tender, yet stringy persuasion. After tearing apart the piece and swallowing, trying hard not to spit it out in front of my company, I noticed that their was something very wrong with this strip. I placed it aside, I realize that even though your products are prepared on an assembly line by robots, those robots are built, maintained and calibrated by humans. This eased me into the fact that there is always an aspect of human error, and even I cannot hold you accountable for that.

You can imagine the pain and anger I felt simultaneously at the disillusion that you are, in fact, not as infallible as I once thought. Every single other breaded chicken strip from inside the box (totalling 18, much more than the 13 advertised) had the same, dare I claim, revolting ailment. I went out of my way to prepare every strip in the box, if only to make sure. While I am thoroughly disappointed, this is not the reason for my correspondence.

I message you in warning, please heed it. Be prepared to receive calls from other disappointed consumers. Stay strong. Times may be tough, but do not grovel. Stand tall, and stay proud, even if the times seem to grow darker as people abandon the ship that is Janes Family Foods. You made a mistake, we are all human (well, aside from the autonomous creatures you have incorrectly preparing your foods).

I must make it clear that while I am offering support in your upcoming tough times, especially in this economy, I will not be purchasing anymore of your 98% chicken breast, 2% tendon/skin strips. I thank you for your time, and for all of the fun times we have had together.

But alas, every story must have it’s end.

Sincerely,
Ernie Berces

I am eagerly awaiting their response.

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Misty Blue December 7, 2009 at 11:22 pm

hahahahaha, fuck.

Misty Blue December 7, 2009 at 11:23 pm

If I ignore the ‘there/their’ error and all of the other grammatical errors, I get quite a laugh out of this.

Misty Blue December 7, 2009 at 11:23 pm

PS what is with this icon of a creepy mime-like person? I am terrified, thanks eb.com. F U.

Ernie December 7, 2009 at 11:24 pm

I wanted to get this sent and posted before midnight. I didn’t proofread, and I disclaimed this before its posted.

Misty Blue December 7, 2009 at 11:27 pm

Oh I know. I still wanted to point it out.

I am Aphonic. December 8, 2009 at 6:47 am

This is going to end up on EmailsFromCrazyPeople.com I hope.

I giggled endlessly, imagining you in a suit, giving this monologue to a table full of old food magistrates in a totally serious and lawyerly way.

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