Going Underground

27/03/2010

I don’t even know how to start personal posts anymore. I don’t even know why I am even bothering to type them anymore. Gone are the days when I would just open a page and type, about anything. Type about my week, about work, about things I was looking forward to, and boring stuff like that. Why do I even have this blog? I’m at a point where I don’t even know anymore.

I think that I still have it, and still maintain it because I need something to do. I need to complete some form of exercise. Maybe I just need to prove that I exist, I don’t know. God, I sound so melodramatic, and that’s exactly not how I want to be. I am not looking for attention, not anymore. That is the truth. There was a little while I went where I cared about how many people came to read what I wrote. I even tried to write about things that would have a slightly higher appeal. I don’t know why, I guess it was just something to do.

I’m lost, more than ever, and the rut I shoved myself into is going to shit. I made a mistake at the casino, and I paid the price, literally. But I learned from it and started to buckle down, I mean really get to budgetting myself. Learning what foods I can make that I would actually eat leftovers of after I get home from work.  Trying to really be a grown up, and start paying off my debt. Now it seems like stuff at work is falling apart. In a month I might not even have a job. Add on the problems with my back that have me at a point where I need to see a doctor about them, and the fact that I find my history of interpersonal relationships absolutely revolting. It’s just, tough.

I made one of those formspring things, I like answering questions from people. I find it hard to believe that there are so many people that think I am this egotistical asshole when I make it more than obvious that there isn’t a single thing I like about myself or my life right now. I cant even look in the mirror long enough to shave my face. I’ve 3 times tried to go and get a hair-cut and started to have panic attacks 2 feet into the front door. Even I don’t understand that.

I like knowing that people are interested in what I have to say, or in my life. I also like that it’s an anonymous forum, it’s impersonal, it’s almost like it isn’t real people. I ignore 99% of the messages I receive, probably 99.9% of texts now. I don’t want friends, and while it applies to everyone, I do have specific reasons for every person I ignore. Whether they will find out is something I am unsure of. Either way, I don’t care.

I am pretty sure I am going to go deeper into the depths of obscurity soon. I wish I could trade my identity in for a new one and start again. But I can’t. If you want to have any form of contact with me whatsoever, ask me something on formspring. I will answer you. I also accept veiled criticisms, and blatant insults!

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Annoymous. March 29, 2010 at 10:27 pm

Why can’t you just love yourself for who you are? You’re an amazing guy and I really wish you would see that.

Honestly, shuting people out of your life won’t help you in any situation. It could really be affecting you. Doing what you’re doing to yourself in unhealthy and I really wish you would seek help from a doctor, family and/or friend.

On top of that, I really wish you would look in the mirror and realize how good of person you really are. Sure you’re a complete prick who likes to shut people out of his life but whatever that doesn’t mean you can’t have a good side to you.

Fuck your past don’t let it effect your future. Let “Liferuiner” go. You will always have that reputation but that doesn’t mean you can’t be respected by a certain amount of people. If you stop shutting everyone out of your life you can find people who won’t judge you. For example, ME.

The people who judge you are the people who think they’re the biggest shit around. When really some of them are probably being judge as we speak. We all make mistakes whether it’s big mistakes or little mistakes.. who gives a fuck cause we all fuck up and I wish people would understasnd that. I will admit, I’ve taken my share in fucking up in life and as much as I want to shut people out because I feel useless or anything negative.. I don’t. Only because I was given this life and I mise aswell make use out of it.

I know this is kind of off subject on this blog, I just felt the need of saying that since I have been one of your blog followers for a while now.

Just I really wish you knew how much potential you have. You’re a good guy and I’m sorry for the way things have turned out. This isn’t me giving you pity. This is just me expressing how I feel becaues you’re an amazing guy.

– Annoymous.

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