Insomnia 1

06/04/2010

It’s 3:30 am?m, I’m laying in bed. I’m dead tired (or I was at least 10 minutes ago). I can’t sleep.

It seems like every couple of weeks I hit with fits of insomnia, and I have no idea what the cause is. All I know is, I am completely awake now. In a state where I will probably just get up and make some food. Have a few coffees and hope I can grab a nap before I have to deliver the mail today.

I’ve been thinking though, I’m always thinking.

In the two (or more, or less, I stopped counting) years since I’ve been in the band, I’ve tried so hard to start again. Some times harder than others, and in different ways all the time. The thing that bothers me is that after so long, I am still looked upon by everyone as if I’m the exact same person.

I’ve tried so hard to distance myself from my old life. It’s beginning to feel like an impossible feat. Since I left the band, I’ve met close to no people. Anyone I have met can be linked to the life in one way or another. Is it just me? Are my methods wrong and unsuccessful? Or am I just destined to stay stuck in this place, being between the life I had and starting new? Having people hate me but being devoid of the perks which helped balance it out?

I share my thoughts and feelings online, and maybe I shouldn’t. It really does nothing but give fodder for people who dislike me (for whatever reason, justifiable or not) to launch back at me. I try to be me, I try to be open. I live a secluded life where my main interaction is over the Internet for a reason.

It’s where I feel comfortable being myself.

My whole life I’ve been a loser. A nerd, an outcast. In highschool I had no friends because the only ones I ever had I pushed away with my attitude. I’ve got no social skills and most everyone I have ever met in my life has been through my bands or over the Internet.

I’m a mediocre Jack of all trades. I can do tons of things with such mediocrity that it’s barely worth spending time on. Bass, guitar, singing, anything artistic. If I try really hard, I can do them, but only with a mild amount of passable success. I’ve no real talent or passion. I flunked out of highschool and can’t motivate myself to go to college for something. I live a sad life with barely anything positive beyond a decent job, which I am standing on the brink of losing from forces beyond my control.

I was called an “angsty faggot” on formspring the other day. As if I really choose to be who I am. It’s as if people aren’t permitted to feel lost in their lives. I understand the light I paint myself in, and I open myself up for ridicule. But, with no friends to be close with, I need some kind of outlet.

I am what I am what I am and while I don’t care what anyone thinks of me, I do care what I think of me. And that’s the only reasoning I have to wonder why it’s 4am and my stomach is in knots.

I realize that this post is a lot, and if you’ve taken the time to read this far it probably doesn’t make a lot of sense. I’m typing from my phone and my mind is sort of drifting in and out between watching what I type. Ignore spelling and grammar mistakes, I’ll try to fix them later or something.

I don’t drink, I don’t party, I don’t even have sex anymore. I literally have nothing. It’s not even an attempt for attention. It’s just an outlet, I don’t even try to get people to read it anymore.

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