Certain things are hard for me to comprehend. Change is one of them.
I spend so much time on my own and I often am able to go as long as years between talking to some people. Time passes swiftly, and so do the things you thought you knew about someone. I have recently had to come to terms with the changes I have seen in people I lost contact with, and even the changes I am seeing in people I keep often contact with.
I take a look at my life and I can see that I am making changes for myself, things I would have never believed I would have felt. Yet, even knowing this, I feel disconnected from it. As far as I am able to see, I am the same person I have always been. I lack the ability to connect the way I feel with the things I see happening.
I think this is what happens with my interpersonal relationships. I build an image of someone in my head, and I expect them to fill the role I have built for them, to act the way I suspect they will act. It might be a defence mechanism, to convince myself that I know everybody so well I can be two steps ahead of them. I think at a time I might have actually had the ability to do this, or at the very least, didn’t care to really look into the way I saw this aspect of things. When someone doesn’t behave the way I believe they will in my mind, I simply cannot handle it. The computer that is my mind simply cannot process the information in the way I expect most people do.
I see the people who are the “closest” to me in my life, the people I should feel the most comfortable with, and I think that I am even more disconnected from them than I am with complete strangers. I see them changing and I can’t help but feel like they are people I’ve never met. Like I could pass them on the street and never recognize I knew them.
I always heard that change was a good thing. I often find myself wondering if I am the exception to that rule.