About two years ago I created a secret Tumblr profile in order to post things I wanted people to see, but not know it was from me. Now I finally feel comfortable posting them here. These reblogs allow me to share stories while also put me back into the mindset I was in when I wrote them. Needless to say, it’s pretty interesting.

We were abandoned by my former friends and bandmates. Instead of going home we decided to make the best of it. I immediately called to make plans with you.

We all went to the midnight show, you were early and got tickets for the 12:00 show. We had the 12:30 show.
I pleaded with Dylan to swap tickets with your friend, so I could be with you.
It was the only time since we have met that I have ever been alone with you, in a theatre full of people. Our seats were terrible, the front row with a massive screen keeping our necks craned just to understand what was happening. It took half of the movie for me to get the courage to hold your hand. My stomach churned the entire time, I was so nervous.
For 3 hours, you were mine.
I dont know if you noticed the ridiculous smile on my face the whole time.

When we dropped you and Samantha off, you kissed me on the street outside of Anthony’s car. I didn’t have the guts to do it.

I’d give almost anything to go back to that night.

I really need to get back into the blog game.

I remember I used to love just sitting and typing non-sensical things and thought processes. People read them. I know, not many, but there were people who wanted to hear what I had to say. Whether it was the people closest to me or people I have never met. The words I was willing to type out were being read by people.
That is a sort of big thing in a meta way, if you really look at it. The whole idea of blogs, online journals, has become so convoluted, yet people still read. People have a strive to read. And just like reality TV, people will always want a means to peer into the lives of other people.
Does this mean that humanity as almost a whole thinks that their lives aren’t interesting enough? Have we all just been brainwashed into thinking that something put on the internet or (god forbid) television is somehow more important than our own lives?
I don’t have the answer. I read blogs. Mostly about the design and video game industries, I like information. However, I will find myself wandering on to personal opinion pieces, and that will logically move itself to plain old personal opinions. I will (infrequently) read about people’s day, their trudge through life and the thoughts that they have while they do it.
We turn to Twitter to read about people who are “obviously” more interesting than us; actors, comedians, media moguls, corporate entities to feed ourselves some semblance of something we think is more interesting of ourselves, yet we always go back to the “community” of people who live day-to-day lives.
Look at Instagram. Who are the most interesting people who are being followed? Yes, celebrities will always take a massive piece of the pie, but so often I come across profiles that have hundreds or thousands of followers of people who really only chronicle their day-to-day life. I am surely someone who is guilty of this.
Are we really so starved to read a story about another human being at the cost of our own? Would we rather read about the cereal someone ate for breakfast today than to crack open a book, watch a documentary, learn something?
I honestly can’t say what I was aiming for with this blog when I started it. I want to write more, I want to be interesting, I want to be read; but with a sea of amazing literature and documented science and history already available, I can’t help but think I am adding to the landfill that is the blogosphere.

I should be doing something more, but until I do, I’ll be doing this shit.

How do you know when you really start to lose it? Is there any undeniable actions that make your last straw actually your last?

Lately I have noticed myself getting worse and worse. Drinking more, sleeping less, spending more money, going into work later, etc.  When will I know that I have hit rock bottom? Will I have to lose my house and every one that has ever cared about me? Will I need to contract cancer or some other incurable disease?
I find myself thinking about these things a lot.

Did I make the right choices in my life? Am I as smart and able as I think I am?

It’s easy to sit and be introspective, ponder the philosophy of your own id. It’s hard to actually do something about it. I know this better than anyone. I sit and wallow in self misery and pity while I watch the entire life I try to convince people is stable fall apart. Instead of doing the things I need to do, I have another drink and convince myself it will happen no matter what I do.

For someone who doesn’t believe in fate, I spend an awful lot of time sitting around waiting for things to be handed to me.

I decided today that I am going to make a huge change in my life. I can’t get into specifics now but it does involve me taking my business(es) into my hands and bringing them to the forefront of my attention. This is as much an opportunity for me to prove myself as it is an act of desperation. When you’re already feeling like you’re at the end of your rope, you might as well try to pull yourself up the rope you actually want to be holding.

Today, for whatever reason, there was a severe lack of mail to be delivered at work. I was able to get in at 8:45, get my mail sorted and deliver it by 12:00. That is including my 3 (or 4) obligatory “lazy breaks” I am always prone to take.

I went out for lunch and after that and up until now I have been at my office. I did a little work on someone’s phone, but mostly I have been cleaning and rearranging things around in it. I finally got my computer up on its desk and set up the clock I bought months ago. I started organizing parts and I am sure before I leave today I will begin working on inventory logs so I know what I need to do to keep up on my parts orders.

I know, it sounds so exciting. Really the point I am trying to make isn’t in what I am accomplishing, merely that I have the slightest of drives to try to accomplish something.

I have spent the last few months in a vacuous hole of depression and non-motivation. I take the same pills I have taken for months and find they have started to do nothing other than stave off the withdrawal symptoms I feel when I go two or more days without them.

I do the same job every day and without anything changing. I have started to go into work later and later every day, knowing that no one cares how late I start or finish, so long as the job gets done.

A lot of people have expressed how much I should enjoy that fact, but really it is something that really bothers me. Try living every day giving people things that they don’t want and taking stress from your superiors, when all you do is hand someone something and say, “Here, you throw this out.”

I’ve taken to chain-smoking while I work, and then coming home and (most nights) sitting down on the couch/porch/bed watching Netflix and drinking between half and all of a 26oz bottle of vodka. The next morning, wake up and do it all again, only this time I am still a little drunk, or I am really hung over.

I know that we are supposed to grow up and be adults. Part of that is coming to terms with the fact that most people will live every year after their 20th birthday working a monotonous job and paying of massive amounts of debt from the material things they buy on credit so that they feel like they have something to show for their hard work. I hate it, but I understand it.

Life is damn near literally all about self-fulfillment. You’ll never get what you want from life unless you take it, unless you make life your bitch.

So here I am, 500 words in and still without a point. Oh well, I guess I just had a desire to write something for the first time in months.

It’s not about what I wrote, it’s that I felt compelled to.

I am going to make a post this week, but in the meantime, listen to this and respect.

Sometimes I feel so alone, I just don’t know, feels like I been down this road before. So lonely and cold, it’s like something takes over me, soon as I go home and close the door. Kinda feels like Deja Vu, I wanna get away from this place I do, but I can’t and I wont say I tried but I know that’s a lie ’cause I don’t, and why I just don’t know…

This is why MadMen wouldn’t work if it was set in the present day. I am ashamed of the times we live in.

Even though I feel this depression, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I feel this sadness, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I feel this loneliness, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I feel this anxiety, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I feel this anger, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I feel this crushing sense of helplessness, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I feel like I am worthless, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I feel alone, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I feel this pit in my stomach, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I feel this depression, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I feel this depression, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I feel this depression, I deeply and completely accept myself.

How could this ever work for someone like me?

I have spent most of the time I should have been working tonight  (or playing Bulletstorm, as my Amazon order finally came in today) instead watching various TED talks. I don’t regularly find myself on this site, but when I do, I always seem to spend irrational amounts of time on it. Tonight, of the many I watched, this one seemed to stand out as the most interesting for me. Dennis Dutton, a philosophy professor talks about what the universal meaning of “beauty” is. It is a very interesting watch, and if you have the 16 minutes, I suggest you check it out.

The blog has been down and out for a while now. Not that it was a big deal to anyone who wasn’t googling whether or not Die Antwoord is a joke or not (to date, my most frequently visited post). I transferred hosts recently, but hadn’t had the time to work out the kinks that came with doing that. So tonight, I decided to skip a little sleep and get on with the customer service at my new host.

It turns out I just needed to re-save the permalinks on the blog so that it would register the new blog settings and make the posts not result in a 404 error.

So now the blog is back up. I am going to go for a re-design when I have the time, and I am going to try and figure out stuff that I can write about on a regular basis. It is hard to be introspective and reflective yet not trying to sound desperate for attention at the same time. I’m sure I’ll find a way to express that though.

The site is having issues since I changed servers. I will try to get on it tonight to try and fix it.

SORRIEZX INTURNETZFANS.  NEVRMENTY 2 HURT U.